I remember hearing it and that was way bad enough! Floor boards squeaking and I had a friend over if I remember right! I knew they weren't doing jumping jacks at 10:00 and so did my friend!
Well how much worse must it be to actually walk in on the act?
And I probably get extra credit for the fact that it wasn't with my daughter'f ather (or maybe that would have been worse?) Who knows!
In my defense, she has been taught to knock! (And I think she definitely learned her lesson...poor girl)
Yesterday as soon as she got back from her Dad's, I didn't even know she was home yet. She completely busted in G and my room and there was no hiding. She saw it all...and immediately walked out with a shy "sorry".
She has learned alot about the real life and what her parents really do behind closed doors in her 12th year. My first and pretty much only emotion was to yell "Sorry M...." and then I just sort of layed there with a smirk and my hands over my eyes.
I always sort of thought that IF this were to happen, it would be her father and I (as a married couple). Boy life sure changes...
BTW: Today will be day 4 at the Intensive Outpatient Hospitalization program. Treatment for Bipolar...symptoms: extreme depression, extreme anxiety and impulsiveness (like cutting all my hair off and dying it dark brown over the weekend)
Monday, May 18, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
From not o.k. to worse
(still not fatal)
Since I last wrote, unfortunatley I've gotten worse (in some ways).Work became harder and harder: to get up in the morning, to feel like a failure, to deal with disrespectful students, feeling like nobody really cared whether I was there or not.Even at work towards the middle of last wee, I couldn't stop crying. Little things would trigger my feelings. I lost my temper last Thursday and said some (not horrible) but still some things that were really pushing the limits. I was really afraid it would only get worse as the feelings listed above would become stronger with each day.
Friday I had taken one of my personal days that I would have lost if I didn't take it. G also had the day off. But it started like so many days recently: me crying and having uncontrollable anxiety and panic. While G went to his regular dr. appt., I called and was able to get into my dr. that I'm known for 13 years at 2:00 that day! (This never happens-must have been meant to be)
I really haven't been able to eat (very unlike me). At certain times, food totally turns me off. G took me out to breakfast on this morning but I barely picked at it and often times teared up. I truly was the worst I can remember being.I couldn't wait for my dr. appointment. I literally felt sick and dizzy (from stress and anxiety) all day. And this is after taking all of my prescribed meds...I was a wreck! And I guess it was another blessing that my dr. got to see me at my worst. He was wonderful and after much talking, the end result is that I am out of work for stess syndrome for the next two weeks and then I'll be re-evaluated.
I can't imagine going back this year. It is my worst nightmare at this point. I want this whole, horrible, teaching experience to be a part of my past. I KNOW without a doubt that I've made huge differences in the lives of some of the students I've taught over the past nine years (some years only part time), but I'm also positive that I am no longer making a difference. I've accomplished what God wanted me to here and He doesn't want me to hurt like this any longer. He has a plan for me (I just don't know what it is)...and I will again make a difference (and feel good about doing it).
The latest malady that has happened is the death of my car. I was bringing my daughter to school yesterday and ironically the car died right across from my ex's (and mine for 10 yrs.) house.I was anxious yesterday that I would recieve unwanted e-mails and calls from school with things I "had to do", but none came. I'm glad. Maybe nobody will even notice I'm gone...
Since I last wrote, unfortunatley I've gotten worse (in some ways).Work became harder and harder: to get up in the morning, to feel like a failure, to deal with disrespectful students, feeling like nobody really cared whether I was there or not.Even at work towards the middle of last wee, I couldn't stop crying. Little things would trigger my feelings. I lost my temper last Thursday and said some (not horrible) but still some things that were really pushing the limits. I was really afraid it would only get worse as the feelings listed above would become stronger with each day.
Friday I had taken one of my personal days that I would have lost if I didn't take it. G also had the day off. But it started like so many days recently: me crying and having uncontrollable anxiety and panic. While G went to his regular dr. appt., I called and was able to get into my dr. that I'm known for 13 years at 2:00 that day! (This never happens-must have been meant to be)
I really haven't been able to eat (very unlike me). At certain times, food totally turns me off. G took me out to breakfast on this morning but I barely picked at it and often times teared up. I truly was the worst I can remember being.I couldn't wait for my dr. appointment. I literally felt sick and dizzy (from stress and anxiety) all day. And this is after taking all of my prescribed meds...I was a wreck! And I guess it was another blessing that my dr. got to see me at my worst. He was wonderful and after much talking, the end result is that I am out of work for stess syndrome for the next two weeks and then I'll be re-evaluated.
I can't imagine going back this year. It is my worst nightmare at this point. I want this whole, horrible, teaching experience to be a part of my past. I KNOW without a doubt that I've made huge differences in the lives of some of the students I've taught over the past nine years (some years only part time), but I'm also positive that I am no longer making a difference. I've accomplished what God wanted me to here and He doesn't want me to hurt like this any longer. He has a plan for me (I just don't know what it is)...and I will again make a difference (and feel good about doing it).
The latest malady that has happened is the death of my car. I was bringing my daughter to school yesterday and ironically the car died right across from my ex's (and mine for 10 yrs.) house.I was anxious yesterday that I would recieve unwanted e-mails and calls from school with things I "had to do", but none came. I'm glad. Maybe nobody will even notice I'm gone...
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