Things I've learned from my marriage and its end

Today is already a hard day for me. I started anticipating it and crying at about 10 last night. Today would've have been my 14th wedding anniversary. I know they don't coun't now that we're divorced, but until I can learn how to give myself amnesia...IT HURTS!! There has been a lot more drama this week than usual between the ex and I and let's just say it has ripped open old wounds that maybe were just starting to heal. I've taken my therapists' advice (on so many things). So here it is! I know there has to be more than this so I'm just going to think of it as a start.
For now....THIRTEEEN....ONE FOR EVERY YEAR WE WERE MARRIED
Beginning a serious relationship at forteen is way too young. We don't know who we are (Hell! I still don't know!). Therefore we could never know what we would want or need in a life partner.
I should've followed my instinct to break up with him in high school and pretty close before the wedding.
His threatening suicide and cutting when I broke up with him in h.s. should have been big wake up signs of an unhealthy relationship (if I was older than my teens...maybe I would've got it)
NEVER settle as 2nd, 3rd, etc. with a man and his hobbies (or another person)
Making a man a father doesn't make him into a good husband or even a dad (Strangely for him, it took the divorce to make him a participating dad in our children's lives).
When he got too drunk and went home without even telling me (by cab) ...at our couple's shower...should have been another eye-opener.
Just because you are married and there is a Mr. to your Mrs., doesn't mean you always have someone at home to love you.
If you do decide divorce is the answer, HIRE a lawyer and look out for yourself. Don't just walk away with nothing! (Because you just want out or because you want to be the nice guy...it will come back to haunt you)
A husband (or bf, lover) should never call their wife/ significant other certain derogatory words. In fact this should be one of the people you can count on when you feel like those explicative words!
I am the only person I can count on forever.
Since the above is true, I should learn to be my own best friend and love myself. (It's a must actually and if you figure this out ...please clue me in to the secret)
If your husband/lover doesn't support and love you after you're diagnosed with a major illness...and if in fact he instead tells you he can't handle it...FACE IT...he doesn't love you.
Some of those old sayings we hate really are true! "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." "You don't know what you've got until it's gone." "Hindsight really is 20/20." "The grass really does seem greener on the other side of the fence."

Ever walk in on your parents?

I remember hearing it and that was way bad enough! Floor boards squeaking and I had a friend over if I remember right! I knew they weren't doing jumping jacks at 10:00 and so did my friend!

Well how much worse must it be to actually walk in on the act?

And I probably get extra credit for the fact that it wasn't with my daughter'f ather (or maybe that would have been worse?) Who knows!

In my defense, she has been taught to knock! (And I think she definitely learned her lesson...poor girl)

Yesterday as soon as she got back from her Dad's, I didn't even know she was home yet. She completely busted in G and my room and there was no hiding. She saw it all...and immediately walked out with a shy "sorry".

She has learned alot about the real life and what her parents really do behind closed doors in her 12th year. My first and pretty much only emotion was to yell "Sorry M...." and then I just sort of layed there with a smirk and my hands over my eyes.

I always sort of thought that IF this were to happen, it would be her father and I (as a married couple). Boy life sure changes...

BTW: Today will be day 4 at the Intensive Outpatient Hospitalization program. Treatment for Bipolar...symptoms: extreme depression, extreme anxiety and impulsiveness (like cutting all my hair off and dying it dark brown over the weekend)

From not o.k. to worse

(still not fatal)

Since I last wrote, unfortunatley I've gotten worse (in some ways).Work became harder and harder: to get up in the morning, to feel like a failure, to deal with disrespectful students, feeling like nobody really cared whether I was there or not.Even at work towards the middle of last wee, I couldn't stop crying. Little things would trigger my feelings. I lost my temper last Thursday and said some (not horrible) but still some things that were really pushing the limits. I was really afraid it would only get worse as the feelings listed above would become stronger with each day.

Friday I had taken one of my personal days that I would have lost if I didn't take it. G also had the day off. But it started like so many days recently: me crying and having uncontrollable anxiety and panic. While G went to his regular dr. appt., I called and was able to get into my dr. that I'm known for 13 years at 2:00 that day! (This never happens-must have been meant to be)

I really haven't been able to eat (very unlike me). At certain times, food totally turns me off. G took me out to breakfast on this morning but I barely picked at it and often times teared up. I truly was the worst I can remember being.I couldn't wait for my dr. appointment. I literally felt sick and dizzy (from stress and anxiety) all day. And this is after taking all of my prescribed meds...I was a wreck! And I guess it was another blessing that my dr. got to see me at my worst. He was wonderful and after much talking, the end result is that I am out of work for stess syndrome for the next two weeks and then I'll be re-evaluated.

I can't imagine going back this year. It is my worst nightmare at this point. I want this whole, horrible, teaching experience to be a part of my past. I KNOW without a doubt that I've made huge differences in the lives of some of the students I've taught over the past nine years (some years only part time), but I'm also positive that I am no longer making a difference. I've accomplished what God wanted me to here and He doesn't want me to hurt like this any longer. He has a plan for me (I just don't know what it is)...and I will again make a difference (and feel good about doing it).

The latest malady that has happened is the death of my car. I was bringing my daughter to school yesterday and ironically the car died right across from my ex's (and mine for 10 yrs.) house.I was anxious yesterday that I would recieve unwanted e-mails and calls from school with things I "had to do", but none came. I'm glad. Maybe nobody will even notice I'm gone...

I miss my...fettish

Been a while since I've had my cravings fulfilled....

Wanna know more?


"A woman's soft, warm, sometimes milky breast... Babies love them, men do too!"

It makes both of us feel relaxed and closer than we even possibly could get during our spectacular love-making sessions. Even without this additional way to experience touch and intimacy, I have never had such a fulfilling love life. I always enjoyed sex, but now I realize what I was missing. It's like electricity for both of us. Neither of us have ever felt like this before. He says he sees colors.

For me it's like a drug. I can't get enough of that good feeling. I'd been 35 years without it and I've got a lot of making up to do.

Not fatal but not o.k.

Seems lately a lot of people are asking me if I'm OK and I don't really know how to answer them. I'm not o.k. but it's not fatal either...therefore I'll be o.k. eventually (or at least that's the hope). And I suppose maybe they mean "Is there something I can do?" And there really isn't...so usually I just say "Yeah, I'm o.k.".
But between you and I...I'm sooooo NOT o.k.
It's NOT o.k. that:
1. This week I took the day off to take my son to the DR. to have his ADD meds increased, because his father had his old prescription filled after being told three weeks ago that this dosage was no longer working. Then even after me bringing it to the pharmacy for him Thursday afternoon, he didn't pick it up and be sure to give it to him Friday morning before school or coming to my house this weekend.
2. Friday night the ex stops by with his new pills for the weekend and complained to my son that he needed bug spray if he was going to be outside. Then he called me and yelled at me for letting Kev "ruin" (get dirty) the clothes he was wearing. Let me first say we've never been the type to make the kids change their clothes after school and he knows how hard Kev plays. He started throwing numbers in my face about how much he spends on Kev's clothes and was being just plain old ridiculous! And you can bet that I made sure every frickin' mark came out of that tshirt and shorts as I sent them folded neatly in a bag back to his father's house.
3. My son still continues to treat me like I'm nothing to him. At one point this weekend when I was telling him how it hurts when he talks to me the way he does, I mentioned that I'm always there for him when he needs/wants me. He said that he "never wants me". And it's pretty much true I guess...he never calls and hates when he's here pretty much (no matter what I do to try to entertain him).
4. I have a cousin who has always been the town gossip... who also hasn't talked to me since last February over something ridiculous that I've already apologized for. Well it really made my already great weekend when my grandmother told me that he had called her looking for the scoop. And she told him! I can't believe she couldn't just tell him "Call her if you want to know!". So now I guess I instigated a fight with my grandmother by expressing my displeasure with this whole situation. It really sucks to have anyone enjoying your pain and failure, but when it's relatives...it just seems to sting even more.
5.I have to continue teaching till the end of the year after basically being fired (forced to resign). I know that I'm the talk of the school and nobody is really asking me questions. Therefore it's a big "talk behind my back fest" there too! I have no motivation to go every day.
6.Everything is annoying to me!! And everyone is annoying to me! I want to be alone. I want silence. I feel alone, because nobody does or can understand what I'm going through and feeling right now. But I'm not alone and there are constant reminders of screechy, whiny voices all around me!Let me correct that! I want to be free of kids and free from the people I have to encounter at work! That's who I want to be free from right now.
7. It's sunny and warm and I have no desire to go outside.
8. I have a headache and my anxiety is making my heart beat like a drum.

Soul mate...I like this description

My soul mate is someone who walks beside me not in front, because I may not follow. He's someone who listens when I speak and speaks while I listen. He supports me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially if I let him. He doesn't have to agree with me but be on my side (watch my back while I watch his). Someone who doesn't execute authority over me, because only my Creator has that right, but someone who accepts me as the person I am. I was created in the Creator's image, not anyone else's. My soul mate knows this and accepts it, he walks a mile in my moccasins, then we discuss what has been learned.--feathers2306

quick monitoring of moods...

After being manic in a real driven sort of way, Monday night it turned to the depressive side of bipolar again. I'm tired, sad, find it difficult to see the positive side I just saw so easily. Things just keep seeming to pile up on me! I don't know what I want or what I've done with my life?? I feel like I want to be completely alone. I've been totally isolating. No phone, no im, even picking fights with G (maybe partially because I want to be left alone).

My little one (9) is suffering and his father hasn't followed through with the doctor appointment he was supposed to make. So tomorrow, I'm keeping him home and bringing him. Maybe I'll have more time to share some feelings then.

I love blog comments and also love to comment. It really frustrates me that for some reason on ella's blog, I can't leave a comment...sometimes I really want to say stuff to you Ella! :0)

fettish? some would say

I don't really think of it as a sexual fettish but it's definitely out of the realm of what most people in our culture find acceptable, normal or within some set of man imposed limits. I had never thought of it really until a blog friend started writing about her experience in about October. I became fascinated immediately, couldn't find much info on it...and wanted to know more and more. She was very open to questions and all the more it appealed to me and I wanted so bad to feel it, experience it....every day the urge was stronger...I dreamt of it....

But how would I even think of bringing this up to a pretty straight laced (so it seems) man who I've only been in a relationship with for 6 months??? Would I ? Could I? Should I? Will he be disgusted, apalled and want nothing to do with me?

Would YOU if you knew about it?

Inadequate

So he says to me "I feel inadequate. I feel like if you could have all the love I give you but with the financial situation of A, you'd be happier."

Okay...so what do I say to that?? Yea!! It's the truth. Nobody likes to be broke. I gave it the ole "Only you can internalize how I feel as part of yourself. Just because I would like to be able to go to dinner, the movies doesn't mean that it's you're fault. Hell I'm losing my job! I'm in no position to talk about money. But you need to say to yourself -Am I inadequate?- and only accept it if it's true."

Here is the original blog that started his feelings (he reads my other blog...it was a great idea in theory, but it's only natural to screen our writing based on who is or might read)

I Miss ... and Other Randomness -->


So many life changes, stresses, losses...I feel like I'm in the middle of learning a lot of valuable lessons. The middle is only a good place if you're in a good spot (like in the middle of an oreo). Otherwise nobody likes the middle (middle seat on a bench, middle child syndrome).Here's a little fact to make you smile this morning. I'm sitting at the computer desk, with the window shades and curtain open...wearing my sunglasses! (not because my future's so bright, just because I want to enjoy the sun and not sit in the dark)

The kids will both be here shortly. I haven't seen them since Easter evening when they both left mad at me (again). K was telling his sister that she just just move into Dad's too. I feel so paralyzed when they get mad at me. It's so much different than it was when I wasn't divorced. I feel like I'm the same mom I always was, but yet they hate me now. And their Dad is so much different than he was, and he's thier heroe now. I want to be the super heroe. Why don't they remember the times when I really was their heroe? (sigh)

I know there must be some anger in there somewhere directed towards me. I know K's seems to be directed towards me but he mostly blames it on G. I guess in retrospect I have to admit that I rushed things for them. As happy as G and I are together, the fact remains that he and I started dating 3 months after A and I separated....and he moved in 6 months after he and I separated. I say that I discussed it with them and they were fine with it, but really how fine can they be? And they're not able to make this decision of what is best for them. That's my job (their father and I). But the damage is done and now I must do damage control and follow through with therapy. I have to work on getting them insurance through the state soon for when my job and coverage end.I have no idea what I'll do about my own 6 prescriptions a month. I'm hoping that if I continue exercising and eating healthier, eventually it will pay off and I'll lower my own bp and cholesterol...but what happens until that point? And then there's the fact that I'm bipolar and need those meds...So finally here it is, a list of "I miss..."

1. When my kids were little
.2. When I worked in LG.
3. Owning my own home.
4. Knowing that I'm the first and last person my kids see and kiss each day.
5. When more of my friends used to blog more often, leave more comments...it was a friendlier, more-active community
.6. Being able to fit into clothes that aren't plus size, liking who I see in the mirror, having K be able to fit his arms around his mom to give her a hug...
7. When my parents and grandparents were both home for holidays.
8. When my parents had a pool and I used to hang out with the kids every day during the Summer.
9. When I "knew" the direction my life was going in.
10.Feeling safe, protected and confident that everything is just as it's supposed to be.

Barely-average human

I'm so tired , but I can't sleep.

I've made a decision to resign (not force him to fire me) and stay through the end of the year.

My co-workers are completely in support of me and in awe that this is happening.

But I do see a bigger picture...things coming together for a reason.

But I'm still scared! I'd be a fool not to be scared...or super human (and I'm a barely average human...definitely not super) lol

I feel like I've lived a lifetime in the last twelve months. I'm sure I've aged twenty years (and definitely have put on close to 20 pounds).

The Easter eggs are colored, the baskets and plastic eggs are filled. Dinner is simmering in the crock pot.

I'm just tired...

I can't believe it...I'm in shock!

It's way too late. I should totally be asleep and I'm not going to want to go to work tomorrow...

However...I must get this out in the open...

I went into a dreaded meeting today expecting to be laid off due to budget cuts (it's been all in the newspaper). But instead (I still don't understand)....I'm being bullied, forced into resigning my position. There is no reason. I've got a completely clean file and great observations. It's due to budget cuts yet for some reason it's benefitting him if I resign.

He was very degrading and talked down to me and my 2 union reps sat silent like good, little school children. He said "You can resign. I won't contest your unemplyment or I'll have to do it another way. I may have to start looking into some personal references and stuff. Don't try to fight me on this, because I will win."

I can't figure it out. I'm in shock. I'm sick. I half want to fight it , because I'm not a quitter!

And the other half wants to just say *F* it! I work too hard and give too much of myself in this field anyway. He wants me to resign. I'll resign. But not at the end of the year. No, in the 30 day mandatory notification period!

How I get through tomorrow will be a miracle....
The same way I got through today...

How Bipolar Feels (to me)

I wrote this in 2006 but the description still fits. Love you guys for still loving and accepting me.

Slipping Again

I had gained my ground and dug in my heels.
Busting out of my comfort zone, while still remaining stable.

Using smiles and laughs as my tools… and feeling really good.
It’s all just a frame of mind, don’t you know?

For two days I’ve been happy; so you see it’s true.
All these years I’ve been miserable for nothing!

Positive thoughts, reaching out and communication…
Just like everyone has said all along.

What about now? What’s that feeling?
Holy Crap! It was so easy yesterday!

Hold on! Wait…You can do this!

Positive thoughts! I am stronger than this.
Pulling harder, I feel the affects.

My eyes are burning; throat is blocked
Mind is spinning; Make it stop!

Reach out!
I don’t want to do this again. Please stop!

I’m so tired and I know that if I rest, I’m in more danger.
I’m moving slow but still moving.

The weight becomes more and more;
And it pulls me down so that I’m hunched over as I walk.

A moment of clarity comes and I scream “Help!”

Communication: I need you.

“Please don’t wait until I’ve fallen or have only one foot on the floor.
I need you when I’m happy, but I need you more when I’m sad.I am trying and I hate being like this. I feel like a burden. Walk with me and hold my hand, only then will you know when I begin to slip”

The Infamous Intro

I'm excited about a brand new blog and unlike others I've written, I'm really going to aim for anonymity so that I can be completely free to talk!

So I guess my disclaimer (grin) should be: The facts are real, but the names have been changed to protect the innocent (ya know like my kids and stuff!! Cuz I'm not innocent).

You can call me Gee (nice to meet you)!

I'm 35, mother to two children (Brielle 12 and Brett 9). I am in my seventh year teaching high school and middle school Spanish, although am planning on making a change in the upcoming year (it's half forced and half a blessing). I married my high school sweetheart in 1995 and we just were divorced on Dec. 23, 2008. I was lucky enough to find a man who I know in my heart is my soul mate and he truly treats me with unconditional love like I've never experienced. But even soul mates and unconditional love isn't easy when combined with things like depression, bipolar, step families, exes, money issues and whatever life throws at us.

I have so many inner battles to work on and have just begun seeing a therapist again after a very long time of putting it off and telling myself that no stranger could help me. I've also just begun the journey of accepting the diagnosis of bipolar that I recieved during an out-patient hospitalization in 2006 (instead of the dx of depression which is the part of the bipolar that is considered a problem). Nobody really minds the highs, it's the lows that really hurt. My bipolar is rapid cycling -which means my moods can and do often change very extremely several times of day and often there is no logical reason for it. I'm in the process of setting up an appt. with a psychologist to have my meds changed to properly treat my condition. I'm also working on my health, trying to diet and exercise with goals of losing weight and getting of some of my scripts for blood pressure and cholesterol.

I really want to learn to love and accept me ...despite of all the flaws...
I want to love and accept myself unconditionally...

Why is it so much easier to love a friend like this than love ourselves and treat ourselves with the same compassion?....

I hope to gain some friends on this site and I'll be sure to stop by your blog if you leave me a note!